I’ve never thought of myself as a control freak really, but I’m beginning to see that the potential exists for me to behave in such a way that someone, who of course, doesn’t know me well, might mistakenly assume . . . Oh, all right. I guess the potential has always been there. I’ve always been goal oriented. I like organizing and seeing something through to completion, whether it’s a craft project or an event. And I’m a list maker, for sure. Lists help me stay focused when I’m working on a project. They help me feel that I have . . . control? Dang!
I haven’t had any “major” projects going lately, so it’s odd that in the “norm” of life, this uncomfortable realization would sneak up on me like this.
It was time for a regular eye exam. I felt my vision changing and there are certain ocular things that are supposed to be checked because of my AS condition. I’ve been using a big box store’s vision center for years and my husband urged me to go to his eye doctor this time. I, with much contro- I mean, wisdom, chose my same optometrist, who told me two years ago, my eyes hadn’t changed much, when I knew they had. I opted for cheap instead of quality. I had the exam, came out again with the same diagnoses for vision, except that due to some increased pressure in my eyes, I should see (you guessed it) my husband’s eye doctor to get a glaucoma check. Man I didn’t want to go back to him with that news. Pride and control go together you know. He was very gracious and we made an appointment to have another full exam done by his doc along with the glaucoma check. Results? A change in glasses prescription, and another appointment scheduled with another opthamologist to check the increased pressure, and to probably perform a preventative laser procedure, because of a high risk for glaucoma.
As we were taking care of this, I had been having a lot of pain running from my shoulder down through my arm with numbness in my fingers, which finally sent me to my primary care office, locally. Diagnoses bursitis, arthritis flare-up, and possible pinched nerve in the neck. Back on 40 mg prednisone, after weaning myself to 5 a day. They suggested an MRI which will be decided by my rheumetologist. If the numbness subsides with the prednisone, it’s probably not a pinched nerve, but just the flare-up causing it all. In the meantime, avoid driving. Avoid driving? That’s not usually a problem for me, but I have an infusion due the next week that is two hours away. My husband works for the school district and it’s the opening day of school. Are you kidding me? Oh, and I HATE asking anyone to drive me because it’s 4 hours on the road with a three hour treatment. Grrrr.
On Thursday I was expecting my son-in-law to arrive to pick up their pup we had been caring for, when I got a call that my glasses were in. Since I determined that my husband was on his way home and would be there if I weren’t, I got in the car and drove to pick up my glasses. Yes. I did. Sometimes a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do, hasn’t she?
On Friday, for some reason, I was really tired – not due to any physical activity, because that’s another one of those things that I don’t do well anymore, and that I’m feeling out of control because of. (And yes, just today, I choose to finsh that sentence with a preposition.) Frankly, just getting from one place to another to do normal things takes much energy and effort because of the AS and fused spine. So, I was just simply tired, and grateful that there were no appointments, or places I had to be. A day to “crash.” Maybe to even blog. Not long into the morning, my phone rings and it’s the rheumetologist’s office in Concord. “Mrs. Aron, your blood work done at the time of your infusion looks good except for the fact that your platelets are low. We’re not sure if they really are, or if it’s a false reading, but we need you to go to your lab and have some blood drawn so we can check it again. Today.” “Today?” “Today.” In the middle of everything going on, I hadn’t even told the rheumetologist about the flare-up yet. So I told her nurse about the megadoses of prednisone I was on at the time. She said that could cause it, but we needed to check it anyway. So, without even doing my hair, (Can you believe that?) off we go. No. Off I go. Driving again. Doing what I know I’m not supposed to and feeling very out. of. control. Getting angrier by the minute. But at who? Nobody is purposely plotting to make me feel this way. So who? God? Noooooo. . . “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. “(Jeremiah 29:11) Ouch. . .
You know, when you’re going through stuff in the moment, even silly, frustrating things, it can get hard to see clearly. I don’t know if eye pressure has anything to do with clarity of vision or not, but I do know that sometimes the pressure of even the little stuff in our lives can cloud our vision of reality. Can I just tell you a few things that God did in the midst of these last few days?
In spite of me . . . God allowed the diagnoses of increased eye pressure at the first doc’s to get me into another practice and get an “accurate” eye exam, as well as the preventative care needed for glaucoma, and encouragement from a friend that has had the procedure done. I now have new glasses and am reading comfortably and driving (Shhhh . . .) safely again . . . . My sweet granddaughter, Jasmine, took her entire day and drove me to my infusion appointment. You have no idea, unless you are a grandmother, of what a blessed day that was. I will treasure it always . . . . I had not called my rheumatologist to let her know what was going on. Frankly, we had worked hard to get down to 5 mg of prednisone and I think/know I was avoiding making that phone call. What do I think she was going to do to me? Shoot me? That’ll teach me. But surprise! They called me. My secret’s out now, and I am free! Actually I am already down to 10 mgs of prednisone. In a few days I’ll be at the norm of 5. Big deal, huh? . . . . Oh, and one more thing. When I went to have my blood drawn that day with my hair “undone”? When John came home from work that day, he looked at me and said, “Hi! You’re hair looks nice.” I LOVE that man! And His God, whom he obviously listens to, carefully.
Do you see what I mean? In the midst of my feeling so out of control lately, God was in total control, seeing to my welfare, future and hope – providing blessings all around. Is there something you need to let go of today? Trust me, No. Trust Him. Ask yourself in the midst of what you’re dealing with, “Who’s in control here?” You know the answer. Then let go of it.
It’s like looking through the windshield of our car at the speeding traffic coming at us and the frustrating congestion all around us. It can be very unnerving. But pulling over and taking a minute to look out your rear view mirror can reveal what’s already safely come to pass. Remembering what He has already done, reminds us that, even when life seems out of our control, He has everything in His perfect control, just as it should be.
Thanking Him today, for giving me the “rear-view” from here . . .